How to Spot a Toxic Friendship
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A semi-sequel to my earlier post about honouring your boundaries!
This post talks about about trusting your instincts and being aware of your energetic reaction to somebody.
If you want to visit a Facebook live related to this post, you can watch that here.
One of the things that you are going to want to do when you are finally recovering from things like depression, anxiety, and social anxiety, through the use of RTT, is to meet new people and do new things.
I felt very much like this after I had RTT, and also, moving up to Caithness, like I wanted to take part in all kinds of new experiences that I would have previously felt some discomfort around. You will want to test this new RTT superpower and see how your life changes!
But you have to bear in mind that not everybody is going to be as emotionally enlightened as the brand new you! And the brand new you might trigger some people.
Because when you have Rapid Transformational Therapy, you can get a kind of glow about you. Something about you will be magnetic and positive and radiant. You will look and feel more alive and connected. You will stand a bit taller. You will start engaging with strangers and making a stir when you walk into a room.
And you might think, ‘Wow, Anne-Marie, if you’re talking about yourself, that sounds kind of grandiose. Egotistical even.’
But when I talk about being more magnetic, radiant, and all of these things, what you have to know is there is nothing wrong with that. It’s the natural state of being a human being who is more connected and in tune with their feelings, who has done some work to resolve their trauma and is at peace with it. It’s not about looks, or status, or money, or bragging. It’s about enjoying a calmer state of inner knowing. Of enjoying being alive on this planet. Of losing a lot of the judgement surrounding yourself. And not caring so much about the judgement of others. So it is very freeing.
And that state of being is felt by others, and some people respond positively to it, because you light up a room, and some people will be jealous of it because of a lack of something within themselves, or an unaddressed sorrow.
I experienced this when I came up to Caithness. Shortly after I arrived, a lady, also from Yorkshire, introduced herself online and came to my home for a visit. We went out once or twice and had coffee and such, attended a craft fair and a pre-Christmas dinner, but there was something I felt that didn’t just gel with me. Trouble seemed to follow her. Accidents abounded. There was some kind of thoughtless recklessness in her aura.
Over time, I was aware that she didn’t really want to talk about RTT or the business I wanted to build. Which is a kind of indicator that somebody isn’t going to be the greatest of friends; if they don’t show an interest in your work. I could almost feel the disapproval, although nothing was overtly verbalised. My gut just responded to it.
This lady worked in the public sector and had some bereavement counselling training that she wasn’t utilising, and also had all kinds of plans for the house and the land she had bought, all of which was very interesting and I hoped she could bring it to fruition. In some ways, I quite admired her gung-ho attitude and devil-may-care freedom. Her ability to drive herself all over the county and not care about being on her own. The kind of lady who says that she doesn’t give a shi* what anyone else thinks. (Though you secretly suspect they give all the shi**!)
But over time, my sense of unease grew. She seemed to cause an edge of discomfort wherever we were. She was vegan, which wasn’t an issue for me! But I did feel that it was a cause for something to not be right wherever we were. There were never sufficient options. Coffee also had to be decaf and teas, a certain kind or flavour to be suitable. At one craft and food show, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the tone of voice she used with a lady that had a table of goat’s cheese produce. My companion announced she was vegan in quite an aggressive way, and you could see the energetic deflation of the proprietor.
It felt like an accusation of sorts to be selling animal products! And I am pretty sure that those goats were not mistreated! Part of me, though, at that point was just thinking, she’s just stating her needs and her ethos. I was trying to keep an open mind!
The dinner that we had booked, that took place before my first Caithness Christmas, this lady failed to wear suitable footwear for the icy conditions and it ended up with us having to go to A&E in Wick in the middle of the night. The footwear was a pair of flat canvas summer pumps in the middle of freezing snow conditions; deeply icy highlands weather. In the many hours of waiting around that followed, I began to feel, maybe somewhat uncharitably, that she was someone blatantly deciding that even the weather was not going to tell her what to do.
Unfortunately, it did! And she fell in the icy parking lot, despite my best efforts to keep her upright. It was a close call whether she took me down with her. This led to a trip across the county in the dead of night and being out until 7 in the morning. Having had to leave my elderly dog to fend for himself all night.
I couldn’t help feeling that this was something that could have wholly been avoided; it ruined a perfectly pleasant night, and my inner instinct was just telling me that being around this person would always have a certain level of unease, or opportunity for chaos and destruction! And though it felt like being a bit mean, I wanted a nice quality of life when I came up here; a change of pace. An energetic sense of peace. To bond with people on a similar wavelength who would feed my soul!
And something told me this friendship was not going to meet that desire. And I began to pull away. You could not ever really disagree with this lady. She couldn’t take an opposite opinion, because that seemed to challenge her to a duel. And I felt that she was sharp. Unpredictable. Hurt, but unwilling to truly admit what that provoked in her in terms of the arguments she picked. She was very reactive to the slightest miss-chosen word.
Over time, she was in dispute with her job, her neighbour, workmen were rarely reliable enough, the vegan takeaway she ordered was subpar and not on the level from the one in West Yorkshire that she preferred! And she took to the local noticeboard about that. I found that really harsh when I saw it, as business is tough up here and can be seasonal. It felt like targeting a small business, and she should have allowed them to address it on a personal level first. And it wasn’t even said once and then done. She made follow-up posts about how she had salvaged the taste of it!
I came across a lot of what she posted because I tend to read the local noticeboard in lieu of a daily newspaper! Because you find out all the news and what’s on there. And most of it made me feel energetically misaligned to her.
Everything and anything was an argument. And if someone disagreed with her very public complaints, she turned off commenting. She always had to have the last word.
So I came away from it quietly, even muted her on social media at one point; I did see her once in a blue moon in passing, but got on with my own life. I was aware of her from time to time, but when I responded to a social post asking for a local therapist, I noted that she also responded after me, offering her own service. Although I wasn’t aware she was currently insured or practicing, maybe she was. But if the shoe had been on the other foot, I know that I would not have offered, had she been the one to offer first and the two of us being acquainted. I think she probably took it as a point of pride to offer her more acceptable mode of therapy!
She was probably really ticked off that I hadn’t been more supportive of her breaking a limb while we were out that night. And I did feel badly about that; I just knew that she wasn’t for me and not what I came here to be around on a personal level. And I didn’t owe her servitude for her mistake.
We often don’t realise that we don’t owe people, just by dint of their existence in our orbit. And this is coming from me who is a really kind person. But I give it where it is deserved these days. I have boundaries.
What I didn’t realise was that either because of that failure to support her in a time of need, or because just me building a business and talking about what I was doing publicly and making posts and so on, she began building a mental arsenal of grievances about me.
And this exploded just recently, out of the blue, in a very personal attack on me, of my morals, ethics; for treating a friend. So many things I was guilty of. And it got worse; she visited this friend I had worked with and told her all the things I shouldn’t have done as a therapist. Even though she didn’t know that everything we ever did was agreed together. This did upset my client/friend’s equilibrium for a few days, which was understandable.
This woman was wholly in the wrong. She did not even know a tiny bit of the scope and severity of my client’s situation. And the lengths I had gone to in order to help. The only morally and ethically improper person was her in going to my client and interfering in our professional and personal relationship. This friend had been healing very well, thank you very much. And had no complaints about me and my efforts on her behalf.
But this woman had just decided I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And she blocked me rather than allowed me the option of presenting a complete explanation. She wasn’t interested in the truth or in being denied this opportunity to hurt me. It was just a shame I did not know at the time that she called on my friend and client unannounced and uninvited, and proceeded to upset her. Because I would have been honour bound to go down there and intervene.
If something similar happens in the future, then I would look to her own governing body, because what she did here could have had very serious implications.
This is what people who have unaddressed personal damage are capable of doing to you. Their narcissistic tendencies and deep wounds seek to be soothed by causing pain to others. They lash out. They seek confrontation. Because they need to prove themselves right. So life is never peaceful. It’s actually a very sad state of affairs to live in.
So it did prove my instincts right. For the most part, I am very easy-going unless challenged. I don’t like consternation; I don’t like people to be hurt. At that first Caithness Christmas dinner, myself and this person attended, the waiter made some careless assumption about me being this lady’s daughter, which I hadn’t really caught or reacted to, but my companion drew it to my attention. But to me, it was more that I felt sorry it had happened. It certainly wasn’t a point of joy or an opportunity to crow. There wasn’t much age gap between us. And I don’t feel the need to be reassured that I am better than somebody else. I’m just doing me.
But I think even that had rankled. And been another black mark I couldn’t have avoided. But she spotted it because she was looking for it. And if you look for opportunities to be angry and offended all the time, you will find them. You will manifest and attract them.
Push comes to shove; you can’t win with people this hurt. And you shouldn’t want to. You just need to disengage for your own peace of mind. They won’t understand you and vice versa. It’s very true that you live a more peaceful life when you stop expecting people to respond to situations like you would.
They are not you. They come with their own baggage. And they may or may not have asked themselves some hard questions about their past experiences and current modes of conduct.
You will find you are more energetically aware when you have RTT. It truly does help your intuition. You just have more clarity in your day-to-day life. And you will be able to spot the damaged people who have a tendency to lash out more easily. And you will also feel like you have the right to step away from them.
People don’t just have the right to be in your life. You don’t have to encourage these kinds of acquaintances. They have to earn your trust. They have to feel safe for you. They have to respect you and what you do. They have to allow for you to have your own emotional experience of an event or set of circumstances.
You don’t have to put up with them endangering you, or vilifying you, or interfering with your professional relationships.
A good rule of thumb, if you’re not sure whether somebody is good for you, is to analyse how you feel after spending time with them. Do you feel drained and exhausted and in need of a reward for coping with it? Do you hope the experience doesn’t happen again too soon? Or do you feel energised, or happy-tired, contented, and uplifted? Like you have had your companionship needs met? And shared in a safe and fulfilling way?
Have RTT and you will honour yourself, your needs, and your desire and right to form and maintain healthy relationships, basically!
P.S. If you’re on Instagram…
About Me
Hello, I’m Anne-Marie. I am a RTT Practitioner, Romance Author, Championship Dog Show Judge.
I have a lot going on! But my primary focus is helping people achieve their personal and professional goals, whatever they may be. If you’re struggling, I am the kind of person you want in your corner.
Click here to book your free discovery call now
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